CHRONICLE Novemb

999

bigtips

I have guests for the holiday: How do you cook a turkey?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I hope I'm asking you this early enough. I have people coming over for Thanksgiving, and I've never done one at my house before. What should I do for the turkey?

Dear Trussed Me,

Tied Up and Stuffed

Well, the nicest thing you could do for the turkey would be to pour it a little bowl of mash, invite some other barnyard fowl over. then break out you fiddle and play "Turkey in the Straw" and have a little hoedown.

But if the thing you want to do involves invoking the position in the food chain rightfully bestowed upon you, first of all, go out and buy a meat thermometer before they're all sold out.

plastic wastebasket, lined with a garbage bag. I ended up just triple trash-bagging the turkey, very tightly twist-tying each layer separately, so it wouldn't leak, then putting the whole thing in the roasting pan, so it would be somewhat easy to get in and out of the fridge.

Take two pounds of salt (yes, you heard me, two pounds) and rub it into the turkey, inside and out. Put it in the brining vessel (or bags), and add a whole lot

of crushed garlic (several to a million heads), a few bay leaves, a tablespoon of whole peppercorns, and cold water to cover. Brine the birdie in this mixture overnight, turning it once halfway in the middle of that time.

This is the awkward part.

In the morning, pre-heat the oven to 325°. Rinse the turkey very well, inside and out. Pat it dry inside and out. Rub corn oil on

and will be done when a meat thermometer says 165° inside.

Delicious! And don't forget to thank the turkey.

Turkey basics

If you don't want to use Kaley's recipe, here are the basics. Ahead of time, thaw the turkey. This may take several days in the fridge, depending on how many pounds it is.

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Now, I'm going to give you a recipe passed on to me by my pal Kaley, which is so darned delicious that last year its drippings greased the slippery slope that led to the eventual complete abandonment of vegetarianism by both my gal and me. If you're willing to embark on this voyage of tastiness, walk this way. (If not, see "Turkey Basics" below.) This process is insanely awkward for one Pop it in the oven, and put a pie tin full of person at times, so I suggest having an assiswater in the oven on the shelf below it. Refill tant for a few critical manipulations. this as the water evaporates. After 11⁄2 hours, Take your thawed, de-gibleted turkey, and turn the turkey breast up, and start basting rinse it thoroughly, inside and out.

Now you're going to brine it overnight. This begs the question: What sort of vessel do I have in which I can completely submerge a turkey, and in which I can still return it to the fridge? Hmm. Kaley used a new

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the breast, and lay it breast-down in the roasting pan on folded parchment paper (optional).

every 15 minutes. The basting sauce is I stick of butter, melted, with 1⁄2 cup of chicken or turkey broth or boullion, the juice from one large lemon, and two tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce. The turkey should roast about 12 minutes for each pound it weighs,

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Leave it wrapped in the fridge, in some sort of vessel to catch drips, during the thawing process.

On the day of the dinner, preheat the oven to 325°. Rinse the bird's outside and two cavities (neck zone and butt zone) in the sink with running water.

Pull out any packets of wrapped innards that are tucked into the cavities. Don't throw them out. Pick out the liver, which is the liver-colored and shaped one, and feed it to the dog. Then throw the rest in a small pot with water to cover, and simmer during the whole roasting process. This will help with the gravy. If there are no giblets, don't worry about it.

Put the turkey in a roasting pan, breast up. If you want stuffing, make it, and stuff it in the two cavities. Don't pack it too tight, or it won't cook through, and you'll die. If you have some string, tie the ends of the two drumsticks together, and tie a string around the breast, catching the wings. This keeps them from baking into some weird stickingout position. Artists may skip this step.

Put the meat thermometer into the drumstick's equivalent of an armpit, being careful to go straight into meat, not touching bone or the pan below. Rub a little oil or butter on the top of the bird. Pop it in the oven, and every half-hour or so, baste it with pan drippings. Plan on roasting approximately 12 minutes per pound (the turkey's weight, not yours), but actually judge the done time by the thermometer.

When the inside temperature is 165°, it's good to go. Now, take the turkey out of the pan, and put it on the plate, with a foil tent over it to keep it warm.

Gravy: If your roasting pan was foil, pour the cooking juice and drippings into a pot on a low burner. If the pan was a real one-i.e. glass or some sort of hard metal---you can put the pan itself on a low burner.

Skim off as much fat as you can. If you have been simmering the giblets in a pot during this whole roasting process, strain the gibs out of there, and pour the liquid into the future gravy. Feed the depleted gibs to an appreciative pet.

In a separate bowl, put a few spoonfuls of flour and about a cup of cold water, and stir it with a fork until there are no lumps. Stir that flour water slowly into the simmering pan juices, and continue to stir as it simmers until it thickens. Salt and pepper to taste, and feel free to add water (thinner) or flour water (thicker) as needed. Just bland? Don't feel ashamed to add a dissolved chicken boullion cube or three. Now, dig the stuffing out of the bird, and carve away. Yum! ♡

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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